Randomness Unite!
by JustPastSane
Summary: A collection of one-shots, usually about Emmett and his randomness. Collaboration with LicoriceVan. *ON HOLD*
1. Your MOM!

**This is because I was bored. It might be a one shot, but it depends on the reviews.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related.**

**A pov**

"It's not funny Rose!!!!" Emmett yelled for the fifteenth time.

"Yes it is!" Rosalie said.

"I thought we went over this Rosalie. My makeovers are not something to make fun of." I said sternly.

"It looks like a bird crapped on Emmett's face!" she said looking up at Emmett and bursting into laughter again.

"Weeeelll, if Emmett would quit _moving._" I said.

"Are we going to just argue about my face?" Emmett said and went to the bathroom to wash off his make-up. Yes I made him into a girl because Bella was with Edward picking up Nessie from the dog's house and probably staying for a while. Ugh. Play-dates.

**Em pov**

Stupid Alice making look like I have bird crap on my face. Never ever will I let do a makeover on me. I washed my face with a blue rag but the eye-liner wouldn't come off.

"Damn it!" I said and threw the rag to the mirror which left a crack. Esme was going to give me a hard time for that one.

I went to Rose's and my room to go on the computer and looked to see if anyone was online the Instant Messenger. I signed on…

_Grrrizzly: Hello eddy!_

_iSparkle: Don't call me that _emmy_!_

_Grrrizzly: raar someones in a bad move today…hey I thought u were at the mutt's house._

_iSparkle: …_

_bellz: hi Emmett!_

_Grrrizzly: ur not at Jacob's house r u?_

_Bellz:…_

_Grrrizzly: I KNEW IT!_

_Wulvz_r_bttr: wat r u guys talking bout?_

_Grrrizzly: ur mom_

_Bellz: he's lying Jake we're talking bout…wat r we talking bout again Edward?_

_iSparkle: idk_

_Grrrizzly: they r not at ur house r they Jacob?_

_Wulvz_r_bttr: umm…nooo_

_Grrrizly: DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WENT THRU BELLA???? ALICE GAVE ME A MAKEOVER! SHE MADE MY FACE LOOK LIKE BRID CARP!!!_

_Bellz: heh heh…_

_Wulvz_r_bttr: HAHAHAHAHA!_

_iSparkle: LMSAO!_

_Grrrizzly: wat does that mean?_

_Bellz: he doesn't no I told him to type it. It means laughing my sexy ass off. :]_

_iSparkle: that makes me sound gay bella_

_Grrrizzly: ya it does_

_Bellz: well u r sexy wen u sparkle and u have ur shirt off and-_

_Wulvz_r_bttr: BAD MENTAL PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!STOP IT BURNS!!!\_

_iSparkle: ur mom_

_Grrrizzly: :3_

_Bellz: hahaha! That's cute! :3_

_Grrrizzly: u no wat im signing out._

_Wulvz_r_bttr: ur mom_

_Grrrizzly: UR MOM!_

_iSparkle: tu madre_

_Wulvz_r_bttr: huh?_

_iSparkle: it means ur mom in Spanish_

_Grizzly:_ _ваша мама_

_Bellz: ???????????_

_Grrrizzly: it means ur mom_

_Grizzly: NOW im outa here.._

I logged off and began to try to take the eye-liner off.

**So what did you guys think? I was very bored it might be a one shot or it might have several chapters. It all depends on the reviews. R&R!**


	2. The Vampire in the Bubble

**A/n: So this is chapter 2! I got this random story from a movie, I just totally forgot what the movie was called and what it was about soooo yeaaaah. Read and review! Cookies! sorry it took soooooo long guys!**

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Bella gave Emmett the movie _The Boy In The Bubble_ to let him watch. Rosalie had just come back from hunting and Emmett had just finished watching the movie.

"Rose, would you still love me if I was in a bubble?" Emmett asked sitting on the couch starring at the blank flat screen.

"Of course, I was made for you and you me," Rosalie said checking her hair in the mirror. Not a single strand of her golden hair out of place.

"But I'd be in, like, you know, a bubble," Emmett said still looking at nothing in particular.

"I kinda got that part down, Em," Rosalie said sitting by Emmett, turning on the TV to watch a chick flick.

"You wouldn't be able to come in you know," Emmett said as Rosalie raised a perfect eyebrow. "The amount of germs in your eyebrow alone could ravage me. Your eyebrow could kill me. Do you know how depressing that is?"

"I'd love you from outside of the bubble then," Rosalie said, changing the channel to the movie _Wanted_.

"Would you really though?"

"So you don't trust me?"

"I wouldn't be able to perform certain husbandly duties."

"What are you _getting_ at, Emmett," Rosalie said now putting her full attention on Emmett.

"I'm in a _bubble_, I can't come out for the rest of my life or I'll die. You're not even gonna get a little piece on the side?" Emmett said frustrated.

"Not without asking of course," She said trying to figure out what Emmett was rambling about.

"But, you admit that someone with a more _active_ lifestyle might catch your eye!"

"I'm not admitting anything!"

"Who is it?! Huh? Mike?! Tyler?!" Emmett said yelling now. "Some firefighter? Probably. Nick the firefighter!"

"Nick? Who's Nick?"

"What if I said -uh- 'Sure! Go right ahead!' Wouldn't you go for a little roll with Nick?!"

"You know, maybe I would!"

"It'll probably be a regular event. Thursday afternoons or something." Emmett mumbled and sighed.

"I guess eventually he'd be my mistress, but I would still love you." Rosalie said putting her attention back on the TV.

"Ugh! Great. Stop by the bubble every week or so and the rest of the time you'd be with Nick. Playing mattress mambo!"

"Em, please!" Rosalie said rubbing her temples.

"No, no...it's fine. 'Thanks for bringing back the magazine! Say hi to Nick for me. By the way have fun at the zoo. Just -uh- toss a rope inside the freaking bubble on your way out so I can hang myself! Oh wait, I'm a freaking vampire so I can't die!"

"Emmett just stop, you're overreacting!"

"Too close to home?! Too close to the bone?! Maybe you got a Nick right now! Who were you with this afternoon?!"

"I was with Alice, hunting!"

"How do I know that!"

"Do you _want_ to get some tonight?"

"NO! I'M IN A STUPID FREAKING BUBBLE!"

"Fine," Rosalie says and stalks toward her room.

"WAIT! Rose I take it back! I was caught up in the moment! Please!" Emmett yelled after her.

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**A/n: Well that was a fun chapter to write. Short, but fun. Hope you guys liked it! Whoop whoop! R&R! YOU GET COOKIES, COME ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! :]**


	3. Babysitting

**A/n: Ha this is the next random chapter. I have experience with this sooooo, if you try it just be prepared to have a crash down later. On with the story...**

**Disclaimer: I donut own twilight.(isn't that funny i DONUT ha ha ha)**

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**B pov**

I was at the Cullen's and Edward told me he had to go hunting. Which meant Alice and Emmett are my "babysitters".

"Bella. Bella. Bella!" Alice nagged at me.

"Yes! What is it?!" I said sitting down and watching Meet the Spartans.

"I bought candy," she snickered with Emmett.

"You don't eat candy," I looked at her suspiciously.

"You do!" she grinned wildly.

"Bring it out," I said as Emmett gave me a Red Bull.

"You said candy not energy drinks," I said popping it open.

"Same difference," he said grinning too.

"What did you two do?" I said before drinking. I smelled the drink.

"Nothing, nothing at all," he whistled innocently.

I took a sip tasting it. It tasted normal, so I took a big gulp. I guess I didn't know I was thirsty. Alice brought some Snickers, Pixie Stix, and Jolly Ranchers. I bit off a piece of Snickers and watched the movie. After I finished it I popped a Jolly Rancher in my mouth.

**A pov**

This was going to work I _know_ it. Bella finished her Red Bull and Emmett burst out laughing. I slapped his head.

"What are you- Omigosh look at that! That's disgusting!" Bella pointed at the TV laughing. "Tyra Banks" butt with puss framed the TV. I laughed at her reaction.

"Emmett! Your fly's open!" she laughed.

"What! No it's not," he said looking at her. She burst out laughing again.

"Alice are you sure this Sugar High mission is a good idea?" he whispered me.

"Yes it is. Look at what she's gonna do with the Pixie Stix," I laughed. She grabbed it and opened it.

"B-Bella! Did you just snort the Pixie Stix?!" Emmett laughed on the floor as Bella sneezed.

"Yes! OME! Emmett you HAVE to try this!" She giggled. He grabbed it and snorted.

"OMR! I didn't think it would work!" Emmett laughed.

"Alice! Try it!" she laughed at Emmett who was laughing at her.

"Ugh... sure," I said I grabbed it and snorted. I burst out laughing at Emmett and Bella who was red.

"OME! We should play Quarters but with Red Bull," Bella stopped laughing.

"I don't think it'll go good with our system," Emmett said.

"Shut up! It doesn't matter! Alice give me quarters!" Bella demanded. As I got the quarters I couldn't stop laughing.

"OK are you in?" Bella asked seriously. I giggled a yes.

The first try she missed, she drank a shot. I missed, I drank a shot. Emmett made it, we drank a shot.

"This is boring!" I said jumping in place.

"Spin the bottle!" Emmett said.

"Yes but I don't think I want to kiss you guys," Bella scratched her ear.

"True... Spin the Bottle but the clothes version!" Emmett laughed.

"I have the bottle! Well...can," I said holding the empty Red Bull can.

We played for a while until Bella couldn't sit still. She had on her undershirt, a sock and her underwear which was better than mine. I had on my sweater and underwear, but it showed my bra. Emmett was far worse, he had only his boxers.

"Truth or Dare!" I jumped up.

"Yes!" Emmett said forgetting he was almost naked.

"OK, me first!" I grinned evilly.

"Emmett truth or dare?"

"Truth!"

"What is the girliest thing you have done?"

"I curled my hair and put on lip gloss just to see what it felt like," he said seriously. Bella and I burst out laughing. He began running around knocking down the TV, a vase, the couch, etc.

"Bella! Truth or dare!?" he asked her.

"Dare!"

"Let Alice dress you with whatever I say," He laughed evilly. I saw the vision; it was meant to torture Edward. I giggled.

When I finished I couldn't stop laughing. Neither could Emmett. Bella was red of course. She wore a black corset and her underwear. That was virtually it.

"He can't touch you and if he does, it takes away 5 minutes from him being with you," Emmett chuckled.

"OMJ! You know what would be awesome?! If we made a fort on the roof!" I giggled.

"TOA. TA. LY!" Emmett roared.

Emmett and I jumped on the roof with blankets, poles, lanterns, etc.

"Hey, Em. I feel like we forgot something..." I mumbled.

"Yeah! Me!" Bella yelled from the ground.

"AH! Don't yell woman! I can hear perfectly fine!" Emmett covered his ears. He jumped down, picked Bella up and jumped back on the roof.

"What do I do?" Bella asked as Emmett and I began....and finished.

"OME! It's like as big as my house!" Bella said trying to pick up a rock.

"What are you trying to get us killed? Put that rock down!" I told her.

"Ah!" Bella screamed as she got shot with water. I looked up and saw Emmett with a water gun.

I took it from him and he pulled out two more. I was able to take another one but the last he ran with. "Here protect yourself!" I told Bella giving her a water gun.

She shot me with it and so did Emmett. "Oh it's ON!"

We shot crazily until we ran out of water. Exhausted, Bella grabbed a blanket and layed down on the roof. We did too, but with our luck, it started raining.

"Are you cold?" Emmett asked Bella who was shivering.

"N-n-no," She stuttered

"Riiiight...." Emmett said looking at the stars.

A door closed downstairs. "AAAAALLLLLIIIIICCCEEEEE!!! EEEEMMMMMMMEEEEETTTTTTT!!!!!"

"EEEEEDDDDDWWWWAAAAARRRRRRDDDDD!!!!!" Emmett yelled back.

"Me! Edward! Down!" Bella said pointing down. I jumped down with her, Emmett behind us.

"Don't! touch her!!!!!!" Emmett yelled before Edward hugged Bella.

He looked at us suspiciously and obviously read my mind. "Ugh! Esme will be so angry..."

"GASP!" Esme was at the door which was worse than Edward getting mad.

Oops.

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**-gasp- that was a lot to write in a few minutes. My hand is cramped! see now you HAVE to review right??**


	4. Emmett's plan

**Ok people I know I said this was on hold well now I'm not so sure...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my cousin's soul I bought for 35 cents. =D**

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_**The super short prologue:**_

_**Emmett jumped up off the couch and yelled, "Yes!"**_

_**Not a second later, Alice burst out laughing. Who would have seen that coming?**_

_**"Will it work?" Emmett said with a glint in his eyes.**_

_**"Yes!" the pixie next to him giggled.**_

_**Edward groaned. "Stop hiding your thoughts!"**_

_**"Shush, Eddie! Bella, Alice, and Rose come with me," he said laughing maliciously.**_

_**Upstairs, Emmett wrote down his plan so the girls could read it with out Edward finding out.**_

**o_O**

**Epov**

What were they doing up there?! I was about to make my way upstairs, when I stopped in mid-tracks.

"Don't even think about it, Eddie! You've seen this only in Rose's thoughts but don't risk it!" He called. What have I seen in Rosalie's mind? I know the answer to that one: a LOT.

"You girls are going to be amazed. Don't tell anyone you saw this because then they will want to see it too," Emmett whispered excitedly.

I heard something zip followed by soft gasps. Ooo this better not be what I think this is.

"Ohmigosh! Emmett that's huge! It's bigger than Jasper's!" Alice gasped. Jasper's eyes were questioning as he listened with me.

"I don't think Edward has one and if he does he's never showed me!" Bella whisper-shouted.

_Please let this not be what I think it is! _Jasper thought.

"You girls wanna touch it?" I could just _imagine_ Emmett wiggling his eyebrows. It infuriated me!

"Emmett! No one has touched it but me!" Rosalie exclaimed. At this point I was just listening to their voices because they kept repeating different things in their minds.

He ignored her and my love spoke up. "Ill do it....Emmett! It's so squishy!" she giggled and I froze up.

"It gets bigger when you add pressure," Emmett said proudly.

"Oh, wow! It sooooo long!" Alice giggled.

"Bet you girls don't see this everyday, huh?" Emmett chuckled.

What was he doing to poor Bella's mind!?

"Nothing _close_ to it," Bella replied.

"Emmett show them what it does when you squeeze it!" Rosalie laughed.

"Ah! What happened?! Emmett it popped!" sweet innocent Bella!

"Emmett I barley touched it!" Alice cried.

"No! This never happened before! Tell them Rose! What's happening!?" Emmett sobbed. Please no! I was at my breaking point!

Rosalie gasped. "That never happened with me!"

"Emmett the white stuff is coming out!" Alice yelled.

"How are we supposed to clean it up?!" Bella asked nervously.

"Lick it up! Put it in bags! Do something!" That was when I knew it was time. Jasper reacted before me and I ran after him.

There by the bed, Emmett and the girls were kneeling on the ground - bending down. They burst out laughing. Emmett stood up with a tie-die body pillow and a thousand little styrophome beads fell out on the ground around them.

"I told you guys, not to come! What do you want!?" he said putting the pillow down.

"I- but- you!- white- popped!" Jasper stuttered.

"Emmett was just showing us his body-" Alice began before Jasper cut her off.

"I KNEW IT!" Jasper jumped and pointed at Emmett dramatically, as I growled at him.

Bella came to stand by me. "You didn't let her finish. She was going to say body _pillow_." she gestured to the pillow in Emmett's arms.

"Yeah! What were u guys thinking?" Emmett chuckled.

I thought for a second, taking everything in.

They said that it was something you didn't see everyday- well it was tie-die. Alice said it was bigger than Jasper's- Jasper's was black and shorter, yes. Bella commented that I never showed her one- because I didn't have one. Emmett told me I had only seen it in Rosalie's mind- I guess I had... he never showed it to anyone but Rosalie who thought it was a waste of time. Bella said it was squishy- it looked kind of squishy. Alice pushed it or something and it popped- well it had a hole. They said white stuff was coming out- white styrophome beads were pouring out.

It seemed too much of a coincidence. And it all seemed perverted.

"Wait! Something zipped!" I said.

"Yeah I took it out of the bag where I leave it to stay preserved. But _someone_ ruined that in a second!" Emmett glared at Alice.

"So what did you guys think it was?" Rosalie giggled.

Jasper and I stormed out of the room realizing our ignorance. They had planned it! We left as they rolled in more fits of laughter.

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**So you guys like?? I got this idea from a story called Emmett's Birthday. I just totally forgot who wrote it... SORRY! xD Review and I'll update!!!**


	5. Emmett's Butt Has an Idea

**A/n: So I was watching this commercial on TV about Scrubs and I got this idea! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! FOUL LANGUAGE AND OTHER BAD STUFF HAHAHA! sort of**

**Disclaimer: T.T I own nothing but my shoelace.**

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The X-ray was on the screen after what seemed like forever. Who knew vampires needed X-rays. "Yep. Either he has a light bulb in his butt or his colin has a great idea," Carlisle said rubbing his temples.

"How in the hell did you get a fucking light bulb up your ass, Emmett? Oh my fucking GOD!" Rosalie fumed.

"Rosalie!" Esme scolded.

"I don't know! It just...I don't know!" Emmett whined

"Wouldn't it break before it actually.... Never mind." Jasper looked at the screen confused.

"Emmett...Uh....I'm not sure i should ask but....Why the hell is your butthole so damn big?" Alice laughed.

"Stop with the questions! Just take the thing out!" Emmett cried

"It's your damn fault! I don't even want to know where you got it! Just... what the hell!" Rosalie said

"Watch it." Esme said pinching her.

"I'm not sure I should be looking at this." Bella said wide eyed.

"Uh, I'm not helping with that." Edward laughed.

"Alright, well then turn around. Let me see what I can do." Carlisle looked pained.

They all walked out and waited in the waiting room of course.

"Ok, hand me the Vaseline." Carlisle's voice came from inside.

Alice burst out laughing.

"Carlisle. Don't rub me like that, I might get an erection." Emmett said.

"Emmett, please. And it's Dr. Cullen to you."

"Pfft. Ok Doc. I'm spreading my butt cheecks just for you." Emmett chuckled.

"Emmett, ready?"

"Ye- OH GOD MY BUTT! WHAT THE HELL IT HURTS! ITS HUUUURTS! CARLISE PLEASE BE GENTLE! NO OH GOD! IT'S MY FIRST TIME! PLEASE STOP! OH GOD JUST KILL ME NOW!"

From the outside patients walked by but began walking faster when they heard the screaming. The Cullens couldn't help but laugh .

"CARLISLE I SAID STOP! NO! NOOOOOO! NO MEANS NO!!! RAPE! RAAAAAAPE!"

"Emmett stop making this harder than it is. Don't fight it."

Emmett began whimpering. "Just one more pull...Ah, yes there we go it's out."

"Oh god. Carlisle thank you. I love you so much." Emmett cried with tears running down his eyes.

"Yeah, sure." Carlisle said satisfied.

"I'm never going to try to fix the TV antenna ever again." Emmett said relieved.

"How does- Never mind." Carlisle said defeated.

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**Short and sweet. That's all your getting for this one hahaha! R&R.**


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